Week 6 – What Would Dio Do?

Welcome to this week’s Judge’s Blog entry for Ultimate Music Challenge 4. If you have never been here before, please read the Introduction as it has all the pertinent information about judging, scoring, decibel meter readings, wild card voting, blog etiquette and so forth.

Once this Blog has been posted (3:30pm) you will have 12 hours to vote for your wildcard choice.

SPECIAL NOTE - Thanks to Anne Craig for taking over the photography details for Paul Parks. For anyone who would like to see more of her work, or buy 8×10 photos of the bands, you can visit her Facebook page and contact her there if needed.

And so, the winner of Week 6 of the Ultimate Music Challenge is…

Dazed and Confused! Congratulations you non-mistake-making-twice-and-returning-with-a-vengeance sumbitches! That was the stuff you got to watch! (to quote Tomcat Courtney).

Is there a more rocktaculous way to honor the death of one of the hard rockingest rockers of all time than with a UMC victory by Zeppelin tribute band, Dazed and Confused. To be honest, when it came to Sabbath, I was more of an Ozzy guy, but I always respected Dio and his ability to rock hard and his legacy will stand the test of time so R.I.P. Ronald James Padavona (AKA Ronnie James Dio): May you be  the headliner at Satan’s annual CoachHella festival.

So wow, how about that my beloved Bloglodytes? For the first time in UMC history (I think) we had a tie. I might be wrong about that, but I know one thing. It’s the first time, in the four years since we’ve been doing this, that I actually got to pick a victor outright. I’m not sure it was a wise decision, going on stage to announce the winner before I knew who the winner was, but it was fun (sort of).

Here’s how it went down. Casey and Rick tallied the scores in the God-Office and discovered a tie. Casey called the big boss, Tony San Pietro, to request guidance. Tony said something to the effect of, “We pay the judges to judge, so have them pick a winner.” So Casey came downstairs and called a judges’ meeting, at which point he informed us that we needed to decide – right then and there – who the winner was.

Now, this was something I did not want to do. I liked both Dazed and Dead Man’s so much, so equally, that I scored them independently of each other, without having to make a conscious decision between them. I was so torn, I wanted the other judges to decide. With that in mind, I polled Dave and Alicia before making my decsion, hoping they would concur on a winner and my vote wouldn’t matter. I asked Dave, “Ok, who is your pick?” and without hesitation, Dave answered, “Dead Man’s Party.” Then I asked Alicia who, without hesitation, said, “Dazed and Confused.”  Then I asked myself who should win, to which I responded by banging my head and fists against the concrete wall and howling with mirth, “No no no no no, it wasn’t supposed to be like this! “They were supposed to decide, not me!”

“Who’s it gonna be Ed,” they asked, all 6 eyes on me, waiting, staring, bugging.

“C’mon Ed,” they kept prodding, “time’s a wastin’” until, finally I said something like, “Screw you guys! You’ll find out when I find out,” and stormed out the door toward the stage. I was sure a winner would come to me by the time I reached the microphone, but it didn’t. So I suggested we all take moment of silence for Ronnie James, during which I wondered, “Hmm. Now what would Dio do?”

It made perfect sense to ask such a question. “Dio” is the Italian word for God, which is what he intended. So when I ask what would Dio do, I am, in essence, asking, What would Jesus do, or God – A God of Rock!

So I prayed.

“Dio,” I said. “Please give me the courage and the wisdom to make the right decision – in the name of Sabbath and Rainbow and all the domains of rock upon which you Lorded over. And Lo, did Dio speak to me. It was but a whisper on the wings of a dragonfly, but what he said was clear as an azure tide pool. And do you know what it was that Dio whispered?

“Ask the hottie,” He said. “The hottie knows.”

And then it all made sense. Yes, yes, of course, Dio! I shall ask the hottie! Because hotties don’t overthink such matters. Hotties instinctively know which band is best based on how powerful their urge is to throw panties on the stage.

So I called over our resident hottie, MC Michelle, and said, “Hottie – who do you think should win tonight?” And with her eyelashes fluttering so fast it would make a hummingbird horny, she responded, “Why Dazed and Confused, naturally.”

Naturally.

Let’s take a look at the audience applause rankings, in order of highest to lowest:

Audience Applause:

• Dead Man’s Party
• Dazed and Confused (tie)
• The Dave Band (tie)
• Alter Ego
• Van Roth

TOTALS
(These are the numbers that factor everything: judges scores, audience applause and the audience response categories)

• Dazed and Confused – 258
• Dead Man’s Party – 258
• The Dave Band – 228
• Van Roth – 224.5
• Alter Ego – 207.5

Judges’ Picks
(Judges’ scores minus audience applause and audience response categories)

• Dazed – 205
• Dead Man’s Party – 200.5
• Van Roth  – 181.5
• The Dave Band – 161
• Alter Ego – 148

Individual Judges Choices

(Minus audience applause and audience response – this is the score that best represents which bands each judges thought were best.)

Judge #1: Dave Patrone

• DMP – 66 (tie)
• Dazed -  66 (tie)
• Van roth – 54.5
• Dave – 49
• Alter ego – 49

Judge #2: Alicia Champion

• Dazed – 70
• DMP – 66
• Van roth – 65
• Dave – 57
• Alter ego – 55

Judge #3: Ed Decker

• Dazed – 69
• DMP – 68.5
• Van roth – 62
• Dave – 55
• Alter ego – 44

The third best band, in my opinion, was the Van Halen tribute band, Van Roth. As I said last night, they were hardly virtuosos, musically speaking, but were flat out fun. And that counts for a lot in my book. Of course, it’s not going to stack up against a band like Dead Man’s Party, which is fun, and musically brilliant, but on a Saturday night at the watering hole – drinking vodka Red Bulls and watching the kittens and cougars on the dance floor –Van Roth is a perfect choice.

As for The Dave Band, there are two standards by which to consider them. If you look at them purely from a UMC perspective, as in, how do they stack up against some of the premium bands we’ve seen – the Sirens, The Monsters, the Helps, The Damageds, The Don’t Stop Believin’s – well, obviously, they don’t. But, if you judge them by the standard of this being their first performance, then you must give props for not sucking anywhere near as much as they could’ve sucked, unlike Alter Ego, which kinda did suck to their potential. Sorry guys, not to be mean but the vocals were wafer thin, the jams were unmemorable, the energy level conspicuously absent – like a stalled speedboat in the middle of a lake – and the set list made no sense (Steppenwolf between Earth Wind and Fire and Bill Withers?) The only thing salvageable about the set was the backline – which was quite good.

As for the Oingo Boingo tribute, Dead Man’s Party – wow! This is an exceptional band covering an exceptional band, exceptionally. I won’t say it was perfect, but it was righteous!; totally loved the horns, and the guitar, the drums, the vocals and harmonies and the sheer awesomeness of their capturing the essence and fury of Oingo Boingo, which is no easy feat. Despite the childish name, Oingo Boingo performs complex, multi-faceted, wildly erratic (yet somehow methodical) musically mature arrangements with so much going on at once, and at a brisk pace, it’s like a traffic jam … at 70 miles per hour.

It will break my heart if they don’t win the wild card because they belong in the semifinals, if not the finals. True story.

Lastly, Dazed and Confused – way to come back with a vengeance from that heartbreaking technical implosion of last year. You guys rocked it last night. And as  a reward for your glorious victory, I thought it appropriate to let none other than Ronnie James Dio write your review. Take it away Ronnie:

Gods of Thunder, bass and drums,
Hellhounds snarling in back

Guitarist Lizzy Borden incarnate
Going medieval on his axe

And singer with colossal voice
The virgins it deflowered

Dazed and Confused you do rock the gods
But all the mortals cower — R.J.D

Well, there you have it gang. Week 6 in the outbox. I hope you Bloglodytes don’t mind a little homework though. Please write a review of any or all of the bands, or the event, or the judges even, in Dio style, which means using lots of language about Gods,  devils, labyrinths, magic, mystery and, of course, mythical creatures flying across the sky on some sort of epic journey to save (or destroy) the world. I leave you now with a Tenacious D song.

“Dio has rocked for a long, long time,
Now it’s time for him to pass the torch.

He has songs of wilderbeasts and angels,
He has soared on the wings of a demon.

It’s time to pass the torch,
You’re too old to rock, no more rockin’ for you.

We’re takin’ you to a home,
But we will sing a song about you.”

Go! Go! Dio! Dio!”